Deluded Love

by Jenny Leigh Hodgins

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Built a barrier around my heart to block the feeling of vulnerability

–of any possibility that I might have love in my hands

Stood way back, hiding inside while I pushed away the man I loved

when I couldn’t handle what I felt or how he felt for me.

It was too easy to pretend to have no emotion.

Too hard for me to be touched within.

So I closed the door and off he went.

 

I built an unrealistic crush on the guy who seemed too good for me,

as anyone would have been since I had no belief in my value.

A whirlwind began spinning when he pursued me to no end,

opened up his romantic saga, throwing love notes at my feet,

singing songs devoted to me, pouring attention into my life,

more than I had ever seen,

coaxing me out of my tight shell, warming me up out of my hell,

touching me deeply, more than I had felt before

Wow it was like a dream,

that fairytale bubble of he and me, where everything was

about his love for me, and how I felt my life encompass him.

 

Until I grew beyond that simplicity–needed to know more

But that was not what he’d intended nor what he’d bargained for.

Anger boiling, constantly pointing, separating us from one to two.

Off I went, sadly knowing how romance leads to

a trap door of bitterness and sorrow.

 

There, my path turned more than once, to rub against the life of another

But I hadn’t found a way to get past the pain of me and you,

the bubble that burst in two.

How I’d trusted you enough to let myself open up

yet feel the end—that horrible pain

when love died for us.

 

It became easier to mark off the spot in my heart

with an invisible box reserved for the sake of protection

From then, no matter whose path I met, my heart was held deep inside,

like a secret beneath the surface, invisible to all but me.

 

I became afraid.

Lived my life in fear.

Kept myself blocked from letting new love live

Except for the easy ways with those I deemed safe

No risk for real intimacy or give and take.

A magnificent theory–created in my mind–

that love had eluded me.

 

But truth be told;

It is I who has deluded love,

Twisted it into a monster

Which holds me down

Like a trapped animal,

All the while I still scream

Silently, internally,

for real love to find

the core of me underneath,

and set me free.

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